If you cannot find the truth right where you are, where else do you expect to find it? ~Dōgen Zenji

I woke up feeling muddled today, or maybe just strange. The dreams I remember all have a military type feel coupled with me being either a traitor or a fugitive to the establishment, a rebel with a good cause type of thing.  I’m not sure how that plays into my life right now.  I’ll have to think on it for awhile, but my mind is also jumbled with other thoughts as well.  I also woke up with a sense of foreboding, and I don’t know why.  I have nothing to really stress over at the moment, things are going well all over my life.  I will say that my husband played into quite a bit of my dreamscape and my sense of foreboding, and that really makes me confused, maybe a tad bit apprehensive too which adds to the foreboding.

To play along with my sense of foreboding, my morning just had   annoying moments.  It took me 4 tries to fry an egg properly without breaking the yolk or over cooking it or anything.  That and the rainy, cloudy weather today just added more ugh to my mood.  I should also go to the gym today, but a big part of me just wants to rest and relax.  Cooking my breakfast annoyed while debating this argument snowballed my mood even more.  I did not end up at the gym, so I have a mixture of guilt and annoyance floating around inside me now.  I can’t even seem to tell myself that going to the gym for the last 3 days and losing 5 pounds in the last week allows me to skip the gym today.  I’m just feeling guilty and grumpy over the whole thing. Instead of the gym, I’ve decided to go out to a cafe and get tea while blogging this.  I’m hoping the caffeine in the tea acts as a good drug to shake off the fug inside me.

On Tuesdays, I clean my bathrooms and wash all my linens.  This is part of my plan to keep my house tidy in small steps.  Normally while I do this I do this, I listen to podcasts to put me in a happy thinking mood.  My choice lately has been episodes of talks from Hay House conventions.  (If you don’t know who Hay House is, they are a publications warehouse that publishes a lot of metaphysical, self-help, New Age type stuff.  Most of it is positive, uplifting, and mind aware stuff.)  I like them because the pod casts because they make me think a bit outside the box or be a skeptic, but they are also happy and a bit funny with the human experience.  However, today, as I was cleaning I was only half listening to the talk, instead two phrases kept going through my mind over and over like a broken record, completely unbidden, “What is your truth? What are you seeking?” That’s some heavy questioning if you ask me.

I wondered suddenly, while taking a brief glimpse into my life, after all of these changes I’m doing for myself – gym, weight loss, daily tidying, responsibility increase at work, re-decorating my home, Spanish Lessons, cycling, yoga, keeping my calendar full – what am I seeking?  Why am I doing them?  What am I hoping to achieve in the long run?  Organizing, learning, purging, tidying, creating routine, where is the path supposed to lead?  The answer at the moment, I have no fucking clue. Yet I’m compelled to do all these things.  I feel extreme guilt when I don’t do them, like I’m letting someone/something down, not gleaning enough from my daily existence, not evolving as I need to be.  It doesn’t make sense to me now.  I’ll need to sift through it.  But the question has been raised inside my mind.  And do my dreams from last night have something to do with my feelings and questions of today?  Am I being a fugitive or traitor to what I should be or is doing what I’m doing a rebellion against my personal establishment?  What am I going to or what am I running from in myself? Too many questions at the  moment.

photo credit: misty morning via photopin (license)

P.S. I keep feeling guilty about this blog.  I want to blog daily, different things.  Yet I keep being held back due to lack of time.  I want to add my own photography, and being that I have no training in this, I feel inadequate to post.  I’ll work through this too.