On the Art of Kicking my Own Butt

photo credit: Stuck in Customs via photopin cc

photo credit: Stuck in Customs via photopin cc

If you would attain to what you are not yet, you must always be displeased by what you are.  For where you are pleased with yourself there you have remained.  Keep adding, keep walking, keep advancing.  ~Saint Augustine

I’ve been lax in my mind and lazy in my spirit.  I’ve been creating excuses and distracting myself.  It has gotten me no where.  The last two weeks have been a little bit different in that I’ve had to say goodbye to my grandmother, get back into the swing of work, and literally get used to being on my own two feet again.  Yet now that it’s all over, I need to get back here and really start this blog as well as commit to the person that I want to be.  That was the point of this blog, to change and evolve into my higher self and soul.

My problem with that has been the way my mind will distract me.  My mind makes up so many excuses for not sitting down and just writing and exploring here.  Whether it’s something as simple of just not feeling up to it and not being in the right frame of mind, or  creating something else for me to do that isn’t really essential, or telling me that I’m not good enough, I have constantly sabotaged myself.   What I have always needed was discipline and the ability to not care about what others may think.  I find it a bit sad that some of my entries on here take me almost 4 hours to write because I want them to be so perfect.  I end up over analyzing and destroying the creative process that should be able to flow.  Once again, another blockage that I keep creating.  So I’m making a pact with myself that each entry should not take over 1 hour to write. I’m promising myself to speak from the heart and not worry about what anyone else is going to think of my musings.  If anything, most of these musings are me picking out the things I see wrong in myself and changing them one by one, and if anyone wants to judge that then that’s not in my power to stop.  I also promise myself that even if every post isn’t inspiring and beautiful, they will all be about something I’m learning from and that I love, and that is what matters to me.   And lastly, I have to promise myself that I will write at least 3 times a week, if not daily, in order to stoke and fuel my mind to start thinking in this frame of mind.  If I get any readers, may they forgive some terrible writing and have patience as I find my spark.

 For the last year I’ve been wanting to be happier and healthier, yet I haven’t changed any of my habits.  The same roadblocks that I build for myself regarding this blog are the same that I give myself regarding many other things in my life.  Yoga, meditation, exercise, and my diet are the main ones that require a daily commitment to actually bring about change.  I’ve made excuses including my health and my budgetary limits, as well as the same old, “I just don’t feel like it.”  I always think I’ll start the next Monday, but every Monday something happens or I lose interest.  So I need to stop putting things off and just do them today, then follow them with tomorrow and the next day.  I don’t have to have an official beginning, do I?  Besides, as to health concerns, I just got a perfect bill of health yesterday from my orthopedist, so I should be able to get back to yoga, biking, and walking my dog.  (I know my dog would really appreciate that. ) Even though my budget is shot and small, it will eventually get back up to what it once was.  Until then I will have to learn how to be fiscally responsible while also shopping healthy.  It will probably be  a good education for me.  I can prevail and start living the way I want to be living.

It may not be the beginning of the year, the month, or even the week, but let me begin now to obtain my perfect health and happiness. I promise myself to make time for those activities I need to create my better self, to change my routine to something more satisfying to my soul.  I pledge that even if I don’t feel like or I’m feeling lazy, I will still make myself choose healthy things without making excuses for bad ones.  And I dedicate myself to being my best self daily, despite the challenges that may arise and the outside actions that might try to destroy me. May the Universe give me strength.

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